This was actually created about a year and a half ago, but I was very nervous to publicize it. I consider this a self-portrait, and it definitely isn't a happy-go-lucky artistic piece. It's actually the furthest thing from my normal style, but at the time it felt…right.

 

Every artistic person ever will be dramatic and say some annoying cliché about art and emotions. I guess cliché's are cliché's for a reason, but it's still annoying. If you haven't figured it out yet, I use sarcasm as a shield. Since this creation has zero sarcasm, this write up needs to be dripping in it.

 

This portrait was created during a time where I was confused, frustrated, and angry. I was unhappy in my full time job, questioning everything; and I felt like I was running out of time. After a lot of reflection, some good coaching and therapy sessions, I realized it all came down to one thing, and I bet you'll never guess it… ENTITLEMENT. Yeah, read that again. I was legit shocked when I finally came to this realization because it's never been a word I thought would apply to me. I'm too good for that (sarcasm). I was acting entitled in my job; thinking that  I deserved a certain level of respect, a specific pay range, more responsibility/trust, etc. I thought I had already proven myself to the business, even though I was literally the youngest people on my team by about 10 years.

 

I was entitled in my personal life: Thinking that I shouldn't have to be on antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. I thought 'I'm fine' or 'I should be normal' - so many times that I started skipping my meds for a long period of time, making life even more difficult for no reason. Long story short, I was in a 'woe is me' mental state.

 

This self-portrait was created during a time when I was having continuous therapy and coaching sessions with some people who cared for me (Thanks James Hoard and Matt Miller). What did I do once I realized the cause for all of this was entitlement? I put this F***ing drawing away and avoided my feelings. Duh.

Just kidding... Well kind of.

I did put this away for months without looking at it again, but I also started becoming more aware of the WHY behind everything I was doing and started becoming the best version of myself. Why? Because that's who I am. It's been 18 months since I've looked at this drawing. I got married, I completed 4 house projects, I hung Christmas lights on my house for the first time and thought I was going to die, I left the first large corporation I had ever worked for, I got a job, made new friends and coworkers, I started taking my meds more regularly,  I am eating better and trying to stay active, and (most importantly) I quit acting like I deserved or was entitled to anything. I went back to being me. Not because it would possibly result in something (like success) but because it's who I am.

There's always room for improvement, but I am more grateful than ever. I'm learning to enjoy the journey instead of focus on the outcome. It's easier to look back on this now, but damn, sometimes life can be hard!